


no sky can blind you now

by disarmlow



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Episode: s02e14 The Fair Folk, F/M, I have no clue where this came from, Jace is self deprecating af, Jace's perspective, One Shot, clace centric because it's jace's pov, definitely not anti Climon though, one sided clace, seelie queen aka captain of the clace ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 21:14:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11365755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disarmlow/pseuds/disarmlow
Summary: Jace Wayland hates himself.





	no sky can blind you now

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in the SH fandom - sorry if it sucks.
> 
> Also - totally unbetaed so read at your own risk of grammatical and spelling errors.

His pulse is still racing, breath still hitching in his chest, when the vines creep away from him, unnoticed until they slither from his ankles.

 Jace Wayland has hated himself for what seems like forever. Hated himself after burying himself in Maia, breaking apart from her with half smiles but no apologies because it wasn't love. It wasn't anything but two broken people finding distraction.

  
He hated himself for the burn in his chest at Max's party, when Clary had come in arm and arm with Simon and he knew Simon had finally confessed, and he wanted to vomit out all the black hate that roiled in his stomach.

  
He hated himself for killing hundreds of Downworlders without a second thought because he just knew he was black and dead inside and that somehow this would be a confession, an absolution - sacrificing himself for the Clave, for the Downworlders, for Clary.

  
He didn't expect to be here, after that night. He didn't want to be here. He fucking hated being here, in the Seelie Court, seeing Clary with light in her eyes, swaying towards Simon, her hair glinting in the low Seelie light.

  
Some part of him was almost glad Simon had come, because being alone with her was more than he could bear, and the weight that was lifted when Valentine finally told him the truth meant nothing because he still didn't deserve her.

  
He wasn't her brother. He didn't have demon blood. Those truths should have meant something but they weren't a relief but a burden, knowing that all the dark things inside of him weren't from Valentine's experimentation but just who he was, just something broken inside of him and that didn't make him feel anything but more darkness.

  
He hated himself for the way he saw Clary kiss Simon in his peripheral vision and the vines squeezing his abdomen and chest weren't what made his breath short but the stab in his heart.

  
He hated himself even more for the way hope floated up in his throat when it didn't work, when Clary came toward him, angry, defiant, her words barely registering.

  
"This means nothing," she'd said, and he'd nodded around the vines constricting his throat because he knew it didn't mean anything to her but it meant everything to him and that only made him hate himself more.

  
She broke apart from him like he was made of fire, demon poison, and all the hope went out of him like a candle burning out.

  
He couldn't look at Simon, couldn't even glance over there because he knew the look on his face would make Jace's self-hatred something tangible.

  
Jace couldn't hate Simon for any of the things he wanted to hate him for. He couldn't hate him for his bare chest against Clary, his hands on her hips in the canoe, his mouth smiling on hers. Although those things hurt him somewhere he handn't known he could feel pain, Jace couldn't feel a drop of hatred or anger toward Simon until he watched him watching Clary, open and unassuming.

  
Jace hated Simon for his happiness, because even with Clary at his side Jace didn't think he could ever feel that, not in a million years, even without Valentine's demon blood poison coursing through him.

  
So Jace didn't look at him, didn't look at the hurt that was bound to be there in Simon's dark eyes, because he knew that might make him feel a bit of happiness, and God knew he didn't deserve it, not for something so cruel and petty.

  
"This means nothing," Clary had said, and what truth she had spoken, the searing kiss meant less than nothing when forced by the Seelie Queen.

  
What that kiss meant, more than anything else, was that Clary wanted him and hated herself for it, and that was nothing to celebrate about, no matter how his black heart skipped when she touched her mouth to his.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski. Full quote is "You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now."
> 
> It's a great book and I'm currently obsessed with it.


End file.
